Unwell
by Obi the Kid
Summary: Humor. Pre-TPM. Obi-Wan is 13. Non-Slash. Obi-Wan lets his


TITLE: Unwell

AUTHOR: Obi the Kid PG

SUMMARY: Humor. Pre-TPM. Obi-Wan is 13. Non-Slash. Obi-Wan lets his imagination run away with him.

ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.

FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.

MY WEBSITEhttp: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.

Unwell

Obi: Hi, Master.

Qui: Padawan.

Obi: What are you doing?

Qui: Preparing my day appropriately for the time I'll have alone today while you are with in your session with Nev.

Obi: What are you gonna do?

Qui: Enjoyable things. Things that I can never get to while you are around because you run your mouth so much.

Obi: I like talking to you, Master. Why is that wrong?

Qui: I didn't say it was wrong, but sometimes I do need a break. So I take advantage of the time when you are not around.

Obi: Adult mush, huh?

Qui: Did I say anything about that? Did I mention Bren's name? No. I don't believe I did. And that would be none of your business anyway.

Obi: So what kinds of things are enjoyable that don't include me?

Qui: Sleeping for one.

Obi: I don't bother you while you sleep.

Qui: When do I have time to sleep? Your yapping keeps me up.

Obi: Would you rather I hide in my room all the time, crawl into a little ball and never say a word?

Qui: Well…now that you mention it…

Obi: Master!

Qui: Don't tempt me with things like that, Obi-Wan.

Obi: I love you.

Qui: You do know that just because you say that, does not mean that I will hug you.

Obi: I know. But you could at least say it back to me.

Qui: I can't.

Obi: Because you don't love me.

Qui: No. Because if I say it, you'll get all weird and start demanding hugs.

Obi: And what is wrong with that?

Qui: There's this crazy thing called training that I am supposed to do with you. And if you don't learn something other than mush, you'll be an apprentice until your eighty. I don't know about you, but I don't have that kind of time. Or patience.

Obi: If you had to stand up in front of the council right now and tell them what my strong points are, what would you say?

Qui: I would stand proudly with you at my side and say, Masters, my padawan excels in many things. With his great verbiage, he is highly quidnunc and spoony. In fact, there is no other who can claim the sheer volume of verbiage that my apprentice can.

Obi: I am not…um…all of those things.

Qui: You are not quidnunc?

Obi: Uh, no. Is that a real word? Did they name it after you?

Qui: Yes it is, and no they didn't.

Obi: But it has qui in it.

Qui: The irony here is that, yes my name is in it, but this word's meaning is the complete opposite of me. It's nothing like I am.

Obi: So quidnunc means mushless and grumpy?

Qui: Funny. Are you ready for your meeting with Nev? You know how he is when you are late. And contrary to what you think, he does have other patients to attend to. You are not the only reason he's still practicing healing.

Obi: He's probably hanging out with that G'mee Hugg woman. She bothers me.

Qui: Why? You should be happy that he's found someone to share his life with.

Obi: Don't I count for anything? She takes time and attention away from me.

Qui: You are determined to force your shrink to see a shrink, aren't you?

Obi: Well, he could use someone to calm his nerves sometimes. He's been a bit anxious in my last few sessions.

Qui: He should feel fortunate that he only has to deal with you once a week. I have to live with you.

Obi: And you love it. You know you do.

Qui: Yes. The joy it brings me is immeasurable.

Obi: I'll go before you get any happier. Bye, Master.

Qui: Goodbye, Padawan. Tell Nev I said hello.

(When Obi-Wan arrived at Nev's office, he paused before entering. Inside he heard a large number of voices. Strange. Usually the man's office was quiet, especially when he had a session scheduled. The boy shrugged it off and walked in. The office was packed with at least fifty beings from all walks of life. They all towered over Obi-Wan as he tried to make his way through.)

Obi: Excuse me. I need to get through. Who are all you people? New patients? Nev must be a popular guy these days. Must be that new couch he got. Excuse me. I need to get to Mr. Nev's office.

(He made it to the office, but he found that it too was full.)

Obi: Mr. Nev? Are you in here? Hello? There's someone on my couch. This is gonna be a problem.

(Suddenly, Nev appeared through the crowd.)

Nev: Obi-Wan, I'm right here.

Obi: Um, these people are intruding on my time. Please make them leave.

Nev: I should have called you. We need to cancel our appointment for today.

Obi: But, I need this. My master needs this.

Nev: Qui-Gon needs this?

Obi: Yes. He was telling me what he planned to do while I was here. He looked too happy to see me leave, even inventing words with his own name in them. If I go home now and tell him you canceled, then his entire day will be ruined. I can't bear to do that to him. It's not often that my master is happy. And if he's not happy, I'll never get a hug.

Nev: Ah, the ulterior motive shows itself. It's always about you in the end, isn't it?

Obi: No, not always. Just…most of the time. But it is true that if my master gets his happy time then I stand a much better chance of getting a hug.

Nev: Maybe if you stopped being to demanding about mush, then it would be easier for him to offer it.

Obi: Nah. What's the fun in that? By the way, do you know what the words quidnunc, verbiage and spoony mean?

Nev: What? No, never mind. Back to the point here. We'll have to reschedule for next week. You can see my administrative assistant in the lobby.

Obi: He's not there. I think he was swallowed up by the herds out there.

Nev: Right. Okay. Call me next week then.

Obi: Who are all these people anyway? Some of them are pretty scary looking.

Nev: The temple is hosting a mind healers convention this week. Healers from all across the galaxy. Over two hundred of them are expected.

Obi: They're all out in the lobby and in here. Wait…all of them are shrinks? What have you told them about me?

Nev: I've told them nothing about you. We will not be discussing specific patients.

Obi: I find this ironic that on the day I am scheduled for an appointment, you have an office full of shrinks all looking hungry for a shot at my mind. Nice try, Mr. Nev, but Obi don't play that. You think I am going to be a guinea pig for your so-called 'convention'? I think not. Obi's mind is a private place. One must tread carefully.

Nev: They are not here for you.

Obi: You keep saying that, but I see that sneaky look in your eyes. You can't wait to turn them lose on me. Back off, Mr. Nev. Keep your cronies away from me. And do not let them damage your new couch. I finally worked that thing in a bit. I don't need some alien shrinks mussing things all up for me. Understand?

Nev: I'm not going to get into this further with you, because I know that you are just winding up. And I don't have time to bicker with you today. I have healers to welcome and to make sure they get settled in hotel rooms.

Obi: Uh huh. I'm keeping my eye on you.

Nev: Do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. Now, get out. Call me next week.

Obi: Can I have a hug?

Nev: No.

Obi: Healers are supposed to make me feel better.

Nev: They also need to maintain their sanity. Go home.

Obi: Fine. But Master Qui-Gon will not be pleased about this.

Nev: Not my problem.

(Obi-Wan bounded into his apartment, announcing his presence at once.)

Obi: Hi, Master. I'm home.

(Qui-Gon, who had been laying on the couch, stretched out with his favorite book in his hands, dropped his head to his chest in defeat. He sighed heavily.)

Qui: Why are you home already?

Obi: I'm happy to see you too.

Qui: Your sessions usually last a minimum of two hours. You've been gone for twenty minutes. Please don't tell me you drove Nev completely nuts and he ran screaming from his office, jumped on the nearest ship and left for the furthest planet out?

Obi: Um, no. He actually just told me to go home.

Qui: Why?

Obi: Something about some shrink convention or something. His office is full of shrinks. He told them all about me. You watch. For the next week, every weirdo in the temple is gonna try and get their paws on me and my mind.

Qui: Oh, the mind healers convention. I heard about that.

Obi: Mind healers convention. Yeah. Sure. More like a 'lets see what makes Obi tick' convention. I was too much for Mr. Nev to handle so he had to call in professional help. Master, I don't want all these strange people in my head. Please don't let them use me as their guinea pig. You have to protect me, Master.

Qui: What are you talking about?

Obi: Just keep them away from me.

Qui: They are not here for you. They are here for a convention. They don't have the slightest idea who you are.

Obi: Right. That's what Mr. Nev tried to tell me. Why would every shrink in the galaxy be coming here of all places? I know why. Because they need a challenge. And I am that.

Qui: You need professional help.

Obi: No, I just need a hug. This is stressing me out.

Qui: You are stressing yourself out. The Force will hug you. Go ask it.

Obi: Where is Master Bren?

Qui: Probably teaching a class. Why? You want to tell her your ridiculous story too?

Obi: She understands me. She loves me.

Qui: All that would change if she was the one stuck training you.

Obi: Let's go find her.

Qui: Well, I had twenty minutes of peace and quiet. These days, that's about all I can ask for.

Obi: You should have married and had kids. Would have been easier.

Qui: And quieter. Okay, come on. Let's go find Bren.

(The pair wandered down the hall towards the classrooms where Bren taught. It was a walk that took them up ten floors and then down several long corridors. During the walk, Obi-Wan began to let his imagination and his mouth…wander.)

Obi: Master, shhh. Did you hear that?

Qui: What?

Obi: I heard mumbling. And my name. It's those sneaky shrinks. I know it. Mr. Nev sent them to spy on me. Good move, Mr. Mind Healer. But I'm on to you. Don't look behind you, Master.

Qui: You are paranoid. There is no one back there, (he glanced back), except…Brazo? Brazo, what are you doing hiding behind that plant?

Obi: Oh, there's a move I didn't expect. Using my friends against me. This will be more of a challenge than I originally thought.

Qui: Would you stop it. He's not spying on you. He's probably trying to avoid you because you'll just drive him crazy with your yapping and mush requests.

Obi: No, that's not it. He and I are cool now with that stuff. This is all part of the shrink plot.

(Brazo came out from hiding and held his arms out.)

Brazo: Obi-Wan! Qui-Gon! Sorry about that. I was hiding from that troll. He keeps following me around and asking me to look at he and Yaddle's honeymoon holos. I'm happy to see someone sane for a change.

Qui: You sure you want to use that word around my padawan? Sane?

Obi: I am the sane one in this family.

Brazo: Come on, walk with me this way until we hit a troll free zone. What brings you two up to this floor?

Obi: The lift.

Brazo: Not funny. Hug?

Obi: YES! (He launched himself at Brazo and melted into the embrace.) Ahhhhh. Thank you. I needed that. Will you laugh at my lift joke now?

Brazo: No. It's still not funny.

Qui: We are trying to find Bren. Obi-Wan is in paranoia mode right now and thinks she's the only one who will understand.

Brazo: Why the paranoia, Obi-Wan?

Obi: Shrinks. Guinea Pig Obi. That enough for you?

Brazo: Could you be just a tad more specific?

Qui: There is a convention of mind healers this week here at the temple. Obi-Wan thinks this is a plot by Nev to pick his mind apart. A second ago, he thought that you were in on it.

Obi: I'm still wavering on that one. You did hug me. And you had a good excuse for being here. But how do you explain the mumbling?

Brazo: That's your imagination, kid.

Obi: I don't think…boy that sounds familiar.

Brazo: Keep moving. If the troll picks up our scent and catches us, you will have to suffer with me.

(They continued down the hall. Obi-Wan walking between the two tall masters.)

Obi: Master Brazo? What does quidnunc mean?

Brazo: Qui done it? What did he do?

Obi: Invented a word for himself evidently.

Qui: That is a real word, Obi-Wan.

Obi: Then I just better take my spoony self to a computer and look it up, hadn't I?

Brazo: Spoony? Is this another of your odd conversations that no one can ever figure out, isn't I?

Obi: Master Bren will tell me.

Qui: You're so sure of that.

(They finally came on Bren's classroom. Taking a peek inside, the class was full and she was deep into teaching.)

Qui: Come on. You'll have to drive her batty later today. She's busy.

Obi: Where are we going?

Qui: To eat. I need food to give me energy so I can deal with you for the rest of the day.

Brazo: Count me in. It should be crowded in the dining hall right now. A good way to avoid the honeymoon troll.

(The dining hall was crowded. Not only with Jedi, but also with…)

Obi: SHRINKS! They are everywhere. I knew Mr. Nev was lying to me. Except there is more of them. They must multiply like rabbits. Hide me, Master. Don't let them get me. I'm to young to be dissected.

Qui: They all seem to be minding their own business, Obi-Wan. Talking amongst themselves. Eating.

Obi: Look at that guy there. The one with six eyes. He's just waiting to get his hands on me. All four of them. Two to hold me in the chair. One to cover my mouth so I don't scream as the other hand conducts its lab experiment.

Qui: You have a very unique imagination.

Obi: I've been around, Master. I know fact.

Qui: You are thirteen. Raised all your life within these walls. You've been nowhere.

Brazo: Obi-Wan, look over there. Isn't that Nev pointing at you?

Obi: Quick, Master, let me hide in your robe. (He grabbed the large robe and tried to tuck himself inside, only to be pulled away by a rough hand on his ponytail.)

Qui: Stop it! He's not pointing at you. He's pointing at those people behind you just coming into the dining hall. Cut it out. You too, Brazo. Stop influencing him. Can't you see I have my hands full with him already?

Brazo: Hey, I just call them as I see them.

(As Obi-Wan watched the pair argue, there was a tap on his shoulder, He jumped and screamed as the strange six eyed healer he'd seen moments ago, was now standing right next to him.)

Obi: AHHHHHH! NOOOOOO! Don't touch me! Back off, Bucko! I have a saber and I'm not afraid to use it.

Healer: I didn't mean to startle you.

Obi: Yeah, right. All part of the plan.

Healer: Could you tell me where to find the closet balcony?

Obi: Why, so you can throw me off of it?

(The perplexed healer shook his head slightly and continued.)

Healer: No, I wish to see the city. I have heard the view from this floor is spectacular.

Qui: Indeed it is. Let me show you where the perfect spot is for viewing the city.

Obi: Master, NO! Don't go with him. This is part of the plot. To lure you away from me so that the others can grab me and run. When you come back, I'll be nothing but a vegetable.

Qui: You don't even like vegetables. It'll be fine. Brazo is with you.

(Qui-Gon directed the healer towards the door, leaving Brazo alone with his apprentice.)

Brazo: This is an odd feeling to have all these guys in one place. They specialize in getting into the minds of others. What are they all thinking now?

Obi: They are thinking about the best way to kidnap me so that I'll never be heard from again.

Brazo: You? What would they want with you? Now, me on the other hand. I have the secrets to eternal happiness tucked away in this mind. People would pay a lot to get that kind of information. If they got a hold of me and broke me down, everyone would know what I know. I can't have that. My mind is a sacred place. Few are allowed to tread there.

Obi: I bet that is why Master Yoda was really after you. He's in on it too! He chased you so that you'd end up here. Where you thought you'd be safe.

Brazo: That little sith. They're starting to close in on us now. Can you feel it? Ever so slowly. Inching closer.

Obi: I don't wanna to be a lab experiment.

Brazo: Let's get out of here. Come on. We'll be safe in my apartment.

Obi: What about Master Qui-Gon? One of those healers has him.

Brazo: But just one of them. He can overpower one. Get out of here now. Go!

(Hurrying out of the dining hall, they were safe in Brazo's apartment within minutes. Obi-Wan slid a chair in front of the door while Brazo locked it tight.)

Brazo: We're safe. Whatever you do, don't open the door for anyone.

Obi: Do you think they'll track us down in here?

Brazo: I don't think so.

Obi: Shrinks are sneaky. Mr. Nev is always playing games with my mind. Getting me to tell him stuff that is none of his business. Nosey man.

Brazo: Well, that is his job.

Obi: But I should be given a chance at least. He's got that couch in there that I love so much. I hit the thing and just start spilling my guts.

Brazo: Maybe you need to learn control.

Obi: Maybe I should learn not to sit on that couch.

Brazo: Good idea. Huh? Shhhhh. I hear footsteps out there. Quiet. They are coming closer.

Obi: They found us. Hide me in your robe.

Brazo: What is with you and hiding in robes. You do realize that will look very conspicuous, don't you? My robe flat on one side of me. On the other side, this very large growth that is half my height. They might catch on.

Obi: Then what do we do? I forgot my saber. Where is yours? I must defend me.

Brazo: Too late. The found they door chime.

(The chime sounded several times. It was followed by a pounding on the door and a familiar voice.)

Qui: Brazo! Open the door. I know you are in there. And I know HE is with you.

(Obi-Wan whispered to Brazo.)

Obi: Who do you think the HE is that he's talking about?

Brazo: You didn't really ask that, did you?

Obi: Um…oh. It's me, isn't it?

Brazo: He sounds irritated. Maybe we should open the door.

Obi: NO! How do we know that it's really Master Qui-Gon? So it sounds like him. Big deal. Anyone can change their voice. And even if it looks like him, they could have already taken over his mind and mutated it to serve their purposes. Let's just sit here. He'll go away eventually.

Brazo: Right. We need more proof that it is him.

Qui: Obi-Wan, you will open this door or the next time I catch you doing your sexy-Obi-skinny-pale boy dance in front of the bathroom mirror, I will take holos and spread them through all the computers in Coruscant.

Obi: Um, I am pretty sure that's Master Qui-Gon out there. As much as I like my mind to remain intact, I also don't want my half naked body being seen by the entire planet. Open the door.

Brazo: Is that the dance that you do while wearing those boxers with the troll heads on them?

Obi: Master Brazo! Who told you that?

Brazo: You're not the only one who has a big mouth sometimes. Qui-Gon told me.

Obi: He's a cruel man.

Qui: OBI-WAN KENOBI!

Brazo: Yup, that's definitely him. No one else can put such force behind your name.

(The pair got up, Obi-Wan sticking close to Brazo's side. The door slowly opened to reveal a not-to-happy, Qui-Gon Jinn.)

Obi: Hi, Master.

Qui: What are you doing?

Obi: Hiding.

Qui: From?

Obi: Mr. Nev's henchmen.

Qui: Brazo, why didn't you inform me that you had my apprentice?

Brazo: They were closing in on us, Qui-Gon. All of them. Surrounding us. Getting closer and closer. Reaching out for our minds. We had no other choice but to run and hide.

Obi: We thought you were a goner, Master. But we had to save ourselves.

Qui: Okay. Obi-Wan, I expect this type of odd behavior from you. But now you've contaminated Brazo's mind. Brazo?

Brazo: The kid makes good points, Qui-Gon.

Qui: You…Obi-Wan…I…what…I give up. I can't do this anymore. Obi-Wan, go ahead and do whatever you want. And if you feel the need to actually put in some training from time to time, you let me know. You and Brazo can hang out and throw your conspiracy theories at each other. I need to engage in something less stressful. My heart and mind can't handle this.

(Obi-Wan chewed on his bottom lip for a minute before going to sit next to where his master has settled on the couch.)

Obi: I'm sorry, Master. You know how I can get carried away sometimes. I didn't mean to make you nuts. It kinda just happened. Sometimes I don't know my own strength. I'm ready to train with you.

Qui: Are you sure?

Obi: Yes.

Qui: And no more talk about this crazy plot that you have Nev and half the mind healers in the galaxy involved in?

Obi: Master, I'm not crazy. I'm just a little unwell is all.

Qui: You underestimate yourself.

Obi: I am a master of understatement.

Qui: If you don't engage in some actual training, you'll never be a master of anything.

Obi: Only a master of evil, Darth.

Qui: Huh?

Obi: Uh, ignore that. Let's go train, Master.

Qui: No more crazy talk?

Obi: No promises, but I'll try.

Qui: That's better than nothing.

Brazo: You guys go ahead. I'll stay right here. Safe and sound in my quarters. No one can get me in here. Perfectly safe.

Qui: Yet, not perfectly sane.

Brazo: I used to be sane, but then I met you two.

Qui: Don't drag me into this. I only train him. Or attempt to. I have no control over what floats around in that mind of his, nor what strange ideas come out of his mouth.

Brazo: I'll see you both in about a week. Once the temple is clear of those who seek to get into my head.

Qui: See what you've done, Obi-Wan? Another good master lost.

Obi: It's not my fault that sanity is in short supply in this place.

Qui: Not completely, but you are a big contributor to it. Bye, Brazo. Talk to you in a week.

(They strolled past the classrooms again. Obi-Wan took a quick look inside Bren's room, saw that the class had been dismissed and let himself in.)

Obi: Master Bren!

Bren: Hey, kid! What's up? Where's that…

Obi: No, don't say it. Please don't call him sexy in front of me.

Bren: Sorry. Where's that fine master of yours?

Obi: Okay, I can tolerate that. He's right behind me. Making sure my wake is clear of rogue mind healers that might try and kidnap me for their evil experiments.

(She gave a crooked glance to Qui-Gon as he made his way into the room.)

Bren: Should I even bother to ask?

Qui: No. It'll just make you crazy. We already lost Brazo to it. He refuses to come out of his quarters for the next week.

Bren: The next week…um…

Qui: Okay, let me give you the abbreviated version.

Obi: Master, let me tell her.

Qui: No. You'll turn the story into a circus. Have a seat and keep your mouth quiet.

Bren: I love how you two communicate with each other. Warms my heart. So, what's the story?

Qui: Nev is hosting a mind healers convention. Obi-Wan thinks they are out to get him. That's the basic idea.

Obi: But…

Qui: Quiet.

Bren: Ah, you think that Nev told them all about you and that they've never seen a patient like you before. So now they have all come here to observe you and try and get into your mind. See what makes you tick.

Obi: I told you she'd understand, Master. You need to have more faith in her. She's brilliant.

Bren: Thanks, kid. I'll give you a hug for that comment.

(Obi-Wan smiled and fell into her arms.)

Obi: Take note, Master. How to properly care for your apprentice.

Qui: You can care for yourself. As I keep reminding you, I am here to train you. And with each passing day I find that task more and more difficult. Let him go, Bren.

Bren: Just relax, Stretch. It's not like he gets many of these things. Force knows you don't hug the poor thing. Let him enjoy it.

Qui: Poor thing. Don't feed that crap to him. He'll just use it against me.

Bren: Not a lot of give and take in this relationship, is there?

Qui: Yes there is. He gives me migraines and takes my sanity. Please let him go.

Obi: Don't listen to him, Master Bren. He' just jealous that he can't hug like you can.

Qui: Fine. You two go ahead and finish your mush session. I think I'll go find Nev and a few of his mind healers friends and tell them where you are.

(Obi-Wan pulled back from the hug.)

Obi: NO! Please don't do that, Master. Okay, I'm done hugging now.

Bren: Qui-Gon, you are no fun anymore.

Qui: I was never fun.

Bren: Oh right. Silly me. So other than running from a herd of shrinks, what else are you doing?

Obi: Do you have a computer in here I can use? Master Qui-Gon used big words on me earlier today. I need to find out what they mean.

Bren: Right through the door there. There's one at my desk inside. Help yourself.

Obi: And you two can do the adult mush stuff while I am gone if you want.

Qui: Thank you for your permission.

Obi: Anytime.

(The boy raced to the computer while Qui-Gon and Bren moved closer to each other. Ten minutes later, he returned.)

Obi: I'll have you know, I am not a wordy, excessively sentimental, foolish busybody. I resent being called that.

Bren: You guys have me lost again.

Obi: Quidnunc – busybody, needs to know everything. Verbiage – wordiness. Spoony – foolish, silly, excessively sentimental.

Bren: Ah, the big words he was talking about.

Obi: Yes. And inaccurate, I might add. I am not a busybody. I am not silly. And I am not wordy. Wait, okay I am that. But I'm not the other two. Master!

Qui: Obi-Wan, those words were invented for you. There are no more perfect words in the entire galaxy to describe you.

Bren: Actually, kid, it's not that bad. Those are good things to be. If you weren't sentimental, you'd be just like your master. If you weren't quidnunc, you'd be just like your master. If you weren't spoony, you'd be just like your master. See the pattern?

Obi: Hmm. Okay, that makes sense, but I am not silly.

Bren: There's nothing wrong with being silly from time to time. Silliness makes people laugh.

Obi: Master Qui-Gon hasn't laughed in over a year.

Bren: Well, it makes normal people laugh.

Qui: If I laugh, he'll think he can act like that all the time. I can't do anything that might encourage him to act odder than he already does.

Bren: I laugh at you. I laugh at both of you.

Obi: Are you sure the Force wants me and Master Qui-Gon together? Maybe it screwed up this time. I should have been paired with Master Brazo or you.

Bren: Haven't you ever heard the saying, opposites attract?

Obi: Yes. But I think who ever made that up, hadn't met Master Qui-Gon.

Bren: I am pretty sure that the Force did the right thing here. It just might take a while for you to see the results. Maybe that's why the Force brought me into this. I am the balance for each of you. I am sane. I am neutral. I am a woman.

Obi: Hear me roar!

Bren: What?

Obi: Sorry. I got excited there for a second.

Qui: How have we gone from Attack of the Mind Probing Shrinks to I am woman, hear me roar.

Obi: We are talented.

Qui: And full of verbiage.

Bren: All right, before we end up in yet another of our so very mature arguments, did you two want something? What's the reason you came to see me to begin with?

Qui: He had a need to tell you about the evil mind healers that were after him. He said you'd understand.

Bren: Yeah, he and I have a connection. And I am tender and caring. So he comes to me when he needs someone on his side.

Qui: So, you don't think he's crazy?

Bren: Not really. Just a little unwell.

Obi: See, Master? I told you she knows me. That's exactly what I said.

(Qui-Gon rolled his eyes and was about to speak when his comm link beeped.)

Qui: Qui-Gon Jinn.

Nev: Qui-Gon, would it be possible for Obi-Wan to come to my office in about ten minutes? I would like to introduce him to someone.

(As Obi-Wan heard Nev's voice coming over the comm, his eyes got big and he began waving frantically and silently yelling the word 'NO' at his master.)

Qui: What's this about?

Nev: Nothing important, just a couple friends who want to meet him. It won't take long.

Qui: Okay. We'll be there in a few minutes.

(When Nev hung up his end of the comm, Obi-Wan stood glaring at Qui-Gon.)

Obi: You did NOT just do that.

Qui: Do what?

Obi: Sign me up to meet with Mr. Nev's so-called 'friends.' That's a shrink code word for 'people who want to experiment on Obi's brain.'

Bren: You know, Nev does have some very odd friends. And Obi-Wan is a very unique patient. I wouldn't be surprised if…

Qui: BREN! Please don't play into his games. Force! Sometimes you are as crazy…as unwell…as he is.

Bren: And you just love us to death, don't you?

Qui: Sometimes, I really wonder about that. Come on, Obi-Wan.

Obi: Master Bren, can you come with me? I need support from a sane person. Because after I meet these 'friends,' saneness might be a thing of the past for me.

Qui: Don't fool yourself, Obi-Wan. Saneness is not something that is even a thing of the present for you.

Obi: A padawan takes after the one who trains him. Right?

Bren: Another point scored for the kid!

Qui: Can we just go?

Bren: We're off to see the shrinks!

Obi: We're off to become guinea pigs.

Qui: We're off to lose whatever is left of my sanity.

(The lobby leading to Nev's office was quiet. Obi-Wan was hopeful that he'd managed to elude all of the would be experimentalists. Qui-Gon knocked on Nev's office door.)

Nev: Come in. Ah, Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan. And, Bren? Anyone else?

Obi: Master Bren is my bodyguard.

Nev: What is she guarding you from?

Obi: Yeah, like you don't know.

Nev: What?

Obi: Keep playing dumb. That's okay.

Nev: Qui-Gon?

Qui: I know nothing.

Obi: Where are they?

Nev: Who?

Obi: Your…'friends.'

Nev: I don't like the way you said that.

Obi: Because I am on to you.

Nev: My friends will be here in a moment.

Obi: Oh, are they finalizing their plans?

Nev: Plans?

Obi: And what did you do with Master Brazo?

Nev: Huh?

Obi: If you hurt him, I will never allow you to have another session with me for the rest of your life.

Nev: Really?

(Bren leaned down to whisper in the boy's ear.)

Bren: Kid, that would be a good thing for him. Threaten him with something bad.

Obi: I don't have anything bad.

(The quiet conversation was broken up when the door opened and three odd looking healers wandered in.)

Nev: Ah, here they are now. Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Bren, I would like you to meet Doctors Moosh, Em'Brace, and Guh.

Obi: Wait. Hold it. I can see right through you, Mr. Nev. You are trying to lure me into trusting them by giving them names like that.

Nev: Like what? I didn't name them. Those are the names they came with.

Obi: And pigs have learned how to fly.

Qui: Pigs?

Obi: Stay outta this, Master.

Bren: He's gone, Qui. You've lost him this time.

Obi: These doctors, healers, shrinks…whatever they are…they all have names that are meant to remind me of mush.

Nev: Ah, okay.

Obi: Doctor Moosh? Or it is really Doctor Mush? And Doctor Em'Brace? Uh huh, sounds a lot like the word embrace. Embrace meaning hug and hug meaning mush. And, oh I like this trick. Doctor Guh. Guh is the word hug backwards! Hello? Did you think I wouldn't catch on to this? I might be young, but I'm not gullible like my master is.

Qui: Wait just a second…

Bren: Just stay out of it, Stretch. Besides, he does have a point here.

Qui: Would you stop siding with him!

Bren: Can I help it if he makes good arguments?

Qui: But you don't have to encourage him.

Bren: Just think of him as entertainment. It's less stressful that way.

Nev: You've lost me, Obi-Wan. So they might have names that make you woozy. So what?

Obi: So what? So, they get me thinking about mush until my knees buckle. Then they

grab me while I'm unconscious, take me to their office, make me lay down on a very uncomfortable couch as they pick my brain apart. Piece by piece they do this until I am nothing but a babbling idiot.

Qui: Um…

Obi: Don't say it, Master! I don't have time to be a lab experiment, Mr. Nev. I have a job to do as a Jedi. A responsibility.

Qui: Yes, driving me insane.

Obi: Other than that. That's only a hobby of mine. I have worlds to protect and people to save and negotiations to uh…negotiate. Send your henchmen elsewhere. Find some other poor soul to use as your guinea pig. I am sure there are plenty of other interesting subjects for you and your herd to tear apart. I am not falling for your game. You can't have my mind!

(The three other healers were speechless. They could only stare at the boy before them. And watch the exchange.)

Nev: Qui-Gon, what have you been feeding him?

Qui: Food.

Nev: Was it spiked with something?

Qui: You should know by now, Nev. This is how he is. All of the time.

Bren: Well, this might be just a tad more extreme than usual. He's not normally into the paranoia stuff.

Qui: True.

Obi: And another thing. Stay away from Master Brazo! His mind is off limits as well.

Nev: Obi-Wan, I don't know where you got your crazy ideas about lab experiments, but I have not brought you here for any reason other than to introduce my fellow healers to a Jedi Padawan. They don't quite understand the whole apprentice situation. So I thought that maybe since I was friend with you and your master, that maybe they could meet you.

Obi: And see what makes me tick.

Nev: No, no, NO! Okay, this was a mistake. Get out.

Obi: Not until you admit your evil, sinister plans.

Nev: Are you listening? There are no evil plans. Trust me, I know how your mind works. I wouldn't put that on anyone. I want to keep the respect of my fellow mind healers, not scare them into another galaxy. Contrary to what you believe, I do have a reputation to maintain. I can't do that if I am going to subject them to you and your mind.

Bren: He's got a good point there, kid.

Qui: I thought you were on Obi-Wan's side?

Bren: I am, but I gotta give Nev credit for that one. No one in their right mind, would dig into that boy's mind without either being drugged first or without being declared legally insane.

Nev: I am not insane, Bren. Although after today, I might be leaning towards it.

Bren: Just dive into it. If you plan to keep counseling this kid, that's your destination. Whether you want to accept it or not.

Nev: Then maybe I should give Obi-Wan up as a patient.

Obi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! You can't do that to me.

Nev: Yes. Offer you to another healer who can help you. It's obvious I can do nothing more for you.

Obi: NO! That's not true. I love our sessions. And that couch! WOW! Do you know how much I look forward to stretching out on that couch? How comfortable that thing is? Please don't give me up, Mr. Nev. I need you. I've worked hard this past year to get you where I need you. I don't have the time or energy to work in a new shrink. Please don't make me beg.

Bren: To late, kid. You're already there.

Obi: Please don't make me beg more.

Qui: Obi-Wan, begging is so unbecoming a Jedi. Please spare me any further humiliation.

Bren: Always looking out for yourself, aren't you, Stretch?

Qui: I do care about him.

Obi: Hug me?

Qui: No.

Bren: Such a tender moment.

Nev: Hey! Stop changing the subject.

Obi: Don't look at me. They started it.

Nev: You three need professional help. Do you know that?

Obi: I told him that already.

Bren: You are professional help, Nev.

Nev: Then I think I might retire. I seem to be failing in my duties.

Obi: No, you just need a hug.

Qui: Obi-Wan!

Obi: What?

Qui: Would you stop that.

Obi: We've been through this before, Master. How many times have we had the mush discussion?

Qui: Not enough apparently.

Nev: Okay, stop. Just…stop! Please. Obi-Wan, if you promise to leave my office right now without another word, I promise to keep up my sessions with you.

Obi: Um…

Nev: WITHOUT another word.

Bren: Now, technically, is 'um' a word? I think it's more like a sound.

Nev: You are becoming as loony as he is. Out. Now. All of you.

Obi: Uh…

Bren: Come on, kid. Don't press your luck. He's starting to look a bit stressed.

Qui: That's how I look most of the time. And you two don't treat me any differently.

Bren: Get over it. Obi-Wan is yours for a long time, whether you like it or not.

Qui: Isn't there a rule that says your third padawan is supposed to be a piece of cake? Easy to train? Almost stress free? All the kinks worked out? That kind of thing?

Bren: Sorry. No such rule. I think that was a dream you had once.

Qui: How did it turn into a nightmare?

Bren: It's not. It's a real live padawan. One that you love dearly.

Qui: How can you say that so calmly?

(She glanced at Obi-Wan, who's face looked ready to explode if he wasn't permitted to speak. And soon.)

Bren: Let's get him out of here before his mouth overloads and starts going at full speed again. Thank you for the entertaining meeting, Nev. It's been nice.

Nev: Yeah. Whatever. Bye.

(The group retreated to the hallway and Obi-Wan let out a huge breath.)

Bren: So, boys. What did we learn here today?

Qui: My padawan is paranoid?

Bren: Well, we kinda already knew that, but okay. Anything else?

Obi: That I can only not talk for so long?

Bren: Knew that too.

Qui: That the rest of my years with Obi-Wan are going to be hell filled with mush requests?

Bren: Knew it.

Obi: What my master needs professional help?

Bren: Okay, maybe we didn't learn anything new today.

Qui: Good. Let's get something to eat.

Obi: I should go tell Master Brazo that he can come out of his quarters now. There is no conspiracy by Mr. Nev to get his healers friends to dig into my mind.

Bren: Sounds like he does need to know.

(The door chime to Brazo's apartment sounded. He refused to come out from his bedroom to answer it.)

Obi: Master Brazo! Let me in. It's Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Bren: You needed to use your last name? There is more than one Obi-Wan around here?

Obi: I want him to know that he's safe.

Qui: Then you'd better leave. No one is safe with you.

Obi: I'm going to ignore that. Master Brazo!

(A few minutes later, Obi-Wan punched the lock code in that Brazo had given him earlier.)

Obi: Master Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazooooooooooo? Where are youuuuuuuuuuuuuu?

Bren: He's probably hiding in the bedroom. Typical guy.

Qui: I don't hide in the bedroom.

Obi: You hide in the closet. I've seen you hiding from Master Yoda before. You're just lucky I haven't given you away yet. He always looks under the bed first. Don't ask me why. The clowns live under there.

Qui: Obi-Wan! Please don't…talk about clowns.

Bren: Aww, my little Qui-Qui is scared…

Qui: STOP IT!

Obi: Please! Don't even go there. This is not a time for sickening nicknames. It's a time to find Master Brazo. (They turned the corner into the bedroom.) Oh, look. There he is. That big lump hiding under the blankets.

Bren: BRAZO!

(Speaking through the blanket, Brazo responded.)

Brazo: Did you bring any of those mind probing healers in here?

Bren: Nope. Not this time.

Obi: Master Brazo, I was wrong about all that stuff. Mr. Nev explained it to me. It really is a convention, not a plot to use us as lab rats. Sorry.

(Brazo ripped the blanket from his head.)

Brazo: Are you sure? You're not just saying that to lure me out there, are you? Or did they already get your minds and now they are using you to get to me? I've seen that before. It's possible.

Bren: Brazo? Hello? Come back to reality now. This was all a creation of Obi-Wan's unusual imagination. Trust us on this.

Obi: You know how I can get sometimes. All crazy and uncontrollable.

Bren: Not crazy, Obi-Wan. Unwell.

Obi: Right!

Brazo: Ah, I understand. I know how you can be. I know all too well. You're sure it's safe?

Obi: If I am wrong, I will never ask for another hug as long as I live.

Qui: Please be wrong. Please be wrong.

Bren: Don't be mean, Stretch.

Brazo: That's what I need to know, Obi-Wan. I know you are telling the truth now. You'd never offer to give up mush if what you say wasn't true.

Obi: Well, I didn't say I'd give up mush. I just said I'd never ask for hugs.

Bren: So he could still launch a silent attack!

Obi: You really do understand me, don't you Master Bren?

Bren: All too well, kid. All too well.

Qui: Be grateful that someone does. Because I don't think I'll ever understand you.

Bren: Brazo, would you like to come and join us for a meal?

Brazo: Someplace outside the temple I hope?

Obi: Can we go see Dex?

Qui: Sure. I owe him a visit anyway. He gets mad when I don't come see him for months at a time.

Obi: Maybe he can give me more information on this place called Kamino and this dart that I've been carrying around.

Qui/Bren/Brazo: Huh?

Obi: Oh, um. Lalalalala. Never mind. Just pretend you didn't hear that.

Bren: Come along boys. Let's ditch this place and raise some hell!

Qui: I thought we were just going to eat.

Bren: Qui-Gon, you poor soul. Loosen up a bit. Let your hair down.

Qui: It is down.

Bren: Never mind. Obi-Wan, lead the way.

Obi: I can't wait to see Dex. I can tell him all about my shrink conspiracy theories.

Qui: Yes, I'm sure he wants to hear all about that.

Obi: After he hugs me.

Bren: And me.

Brazo: And me.

Qui: And me?

Bren: Yup. No one is safe from the wrath of a Dex hug. Just grin and bear it, Qui-Gon. Like you always do.

Qui: Can I get my earplugs before we leave? Obi-Wan hasn't seen Dex in a while. He' s liable to start talking and never shut up.

Bren: Then it'll be a normal evening out for you. Now, focus on the positive. Good food and good company.

Qui: I'd rather have my sanity back.

Obi: Sorry, Master! That belongs to me now.

Bren: You still have me, Stretch!

Qui: Somehow that doesn't comfort me as I think it should.

Brazo: We can continue this later. All this conspiracy plot stuff and hiding in my apartment made me hungry. Let's get moving.

Obi: Good food and good hugs coming up!

Bren: Just relax and enjoy him, Qui-Gon. He'll only be this age once.

Qui: Thank for Force for small miracles.

Obi: There is no help for you, Master!

Qui: That's what I was afraid you'd say. Let's go eat.

END

21


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